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In case you missed today’s emergency Prime Minister’s Questions and statement on the riots. Here is our irreverent summary on PMQs each q&a is tweetable.

These are not quotes nor should be taken as an accurate representation of their views. This is (weak) satire.

Cameron statement in summary: It is criminality but the context is broken britain, lets marginalise youth further and evict bad families.

Ed Miliband’s statement in summary: What role can the army play? We need more CCTV. Children deserve a better future. << under surveillance!

Jack Straw: We need more police and more prisons! Don’t close any of my prisons!
Cameron: You are chatting shit.

Hazel Blears: This was violent criminals. Will the PM back the police to crack skulls.
Cameron: I will but it is for police to decide when to do it.

Nick Du Bois: Get the teachers to finger the little shits to the police.
Cameron: It should be parents that grass their kids.

Kaufman: Let’s not write off these kids.
Cameron: I agree but next time not now.

Dorries: The police should have used bullets and water cannons.
Cameron: They can if they want.

Vaz: I love the police. Let’s give them more money.
Cameron: We will pay out if we must.

Simon Hughes: waffle waffle waffle
Cameron: ok

Louise Ellman: Liverpool should re-elect me. What will the PM do for Liverpool?
Cameron: We will compensate Liverpool in full.

David Miliband: No riots in my town cos the police are amazing. Why does Cameron want the police to stand for election?
Cameron: Err… why not?

Stella Creasy: Walthamstow loves the police. We’ve got great community workers, they should be paid.
Cameron: You are right… but we don’t have money, let’s demonise bad parents instead.

Lewisham MP: These shits are putting videos glorifying their loot and weapons. Shut them down.
Cameron: We will work on it.

Elfyn Llwyd: Stop the police cuts.
Cameron: Fuck off.

Pritchard: Cut on council workers perks not police numbers.
Cameron: No, we will make cuts everywhere.

Abbott: No to water cannons and rubber bullets.
Cameron: We didn’t use any. Be grateful.

Shearman: Don’t leave it to parliament to sort it out. We need an inquiry.
Cameron: Don’t be a pussy. We can do it.

Wicks: Croydon is a warzone. The kids are fucked up. We need more police.
Cameron: I know people are pissed. The police were lazy not lacking numbers.

Andrew Smith: These parents need a slap.
Cameron: The schools should sort the kids out. I blame the fathers.

Margot James: The PM is right about cuts. Stick at it.
Cameron: Thanks you are right.

Sharma: Come & visit my community leaders in Southall
Cameron: Er.. no.

Lilley: Carry on cutting. The police are wasting time and money.
Cameron: Excellent point.

Hoey: Parents are the gangs as well.
Cameron: We’ll make sure we get them. I’m setting IDS on it.

Goggins: I love the police. Ban people from Manchester
Cameron: Hmm.. maybe. I think the police are great but they fucked up.

MP: Let’s spray the rioters with ink.
Cameron: Inspiring idea.

Leslie: Public sector workers did a great job. Don’t cut them.
Cameron: It’s Labour fault. I have to, look at the US.

Jackson: We need to bribe people to get married.
Cameron: You are right.

Michael: Parliament can’t do it, we need an inquiry
Cameron: Don’t be a wuss.

Treddnick: The Police are scared after G20. Back them to bludgeon heads.
Cameron: I do.

Stuart: Have we got enough prison places?
Cameron: Erm… I think so?

Tom Watson: This is the start of a new criminal class. Stop the police cuts.
Cameron: The police need technology not more bodies.

De Piero: CCTV is great. We want more.
Cameron: I’ll give you money for it.

Buckland: Make the rioters pay even if they are penniless.
Cameron: Great idea, let’s confiscate their cash.

Umunna: The rioters were not all black.
Cameron: True.

MP: Shouldn’t the rich be a bit less crass with money.
Cameron: I’m not at all.

MP: No freedom in chaos. We need more CCTV and police.
Cameron: CCTV is great and the police are ok.

Ruffley: Police should be cut.
Cameron: Couldn’t agree more.

Buck: Community police shouldn’t be cut. You fuck.
Cameron: You are talking out of your arse.

Keeley: We had to bus police officers in. Stop the police cuts.
Cameron: Nahnananah I can’t hear you.

MP: Put young people into training camps.
Cameron: Great idea.

Robertson: You took scottish police from us.
Cameron: So?

Selous: Plastic coppers are great.
Cameron: Boring.

McKinnell: More resource for victims.
Cameron: Er.. maybe.

Clappison: Long sentences for the looting shits!
Cameron: Agreed.

Sutcliffe: Why cancel the football now?
Cameron: We won’t anymore except for Tottenham.

Charlotte Leslie: Our local communities need to shop more little shits.
Cameron: The police must setting up a better grassing scheme.

Labour MP: Stop the police cuts.
Cameron: You look like a joke.

Metcalfe: My business was hit by these wankers.
Cameron: You can claim compensation from us.

Green MP: Inequality is a deep problem. Stop the cuts.
Cameron: Riots have nothing to do with it.

Hancock: The police were caught asleep in my area.
Cameron: Police need to fix up.

Byles: These yobs need to be taught a lesson.
Cameron: We need to scare the shit out of them.

Burrowes: Ken Livingstone is dickhead isn’t he? Slash police paperwork.
Cameron: We will liberate the police.

Jim Sheridan: You English are a bunch of thugs. Praise Scotland.
Cameron: Thanks Scotland.

Ellison: Broom army were great. Solidarity with business.
Cameron: I love the broom army. Best of Britain.

Ashworth: Age Concern was hit by these feckless fucks. Help them
Cameron: Terrible, we will.

Tory MP: Age of criminal responsibility needs to be lowered.
Cameron: Ten is low enough.

Efford: The EDL were exploiting this.
Cameron: Yes, I hate those wankers.

Hames: We need a commission into this.
Cameron: No.

Rushanara Ali: Ban the EDL from my yard!
Cameron: We will try.

Morris: Stand up for law and order.
Cameron: We will take back the streets.

Amber Rudd: Hastings was full of rumours on twitter but nothing happened.
Cameron: Social media is like ying & yang. For good and evil

MP: Aren’t we going too far?
Cameron: No! Misbehave and we’ll make you homeless

MP: Do we need the police cuts?
Cameron: FFS… YES!

Lee Scott: Let the police do what they want.
Cameron: We have and its great.

Robertson: We need more CCTV.
Cameron: Yes, I’m not stopping it.

Heald: Punish everyone of those fucks, let victims moan at them.
Cameron: Great idea.

Gardiner: London doesn’t want the police cuts.
Cameron: You are wrong, they love me.

Reckless: Cut the quangos on sentencing.
Cameron: You are on to something…

Tory MP: Shouldn’t the compensation money be spent on policing?
Cameron: What bollocks.

Tory MP: Austerity should teach these chavs a lesson on saving.
Cameron: That’s what we are pursuing

Burley: If any Johnny Foreigners were rioting, we should send them back!
Cameron: True, very true.

And it went on and on and on…