Another week, another Prime Minister’s Questions. Cameron seems to be on the ropes after the farce of the emergency meeting this week, so predictably, Ed Miliband cashes in.

Betts: You said you want to cut crime but you are cutting police numbers.
PM: Crime is down and we’re cutting bureaucracy

Javid: Coach crash in France affected my patch, show sympathy.
PM: Terrible, very sad.

Ed M: You excluded GPs, nurses & other professionals from your meeting. What are you on?
PM: I’m safeguarding the NHS from those interests.

Ed M: You are a hypocritical oaf. Listen to NHS workers.
PM: You used to be on the side of private interests on this.

Ed M: Lansley shut the fuck up and listen to health workers.
PM: Labour used to support creeping privatisation. You save the NHS by destroying it!

Ed M: Everyone knows you’ve lied about the NHS.
PM: You shitty upstart, you are too idiotic to run Britain.

Ed M: This is your poll tax. #DropTheBill
PM: You can’t back your own argument. You are not a leader.

Berry: In my patch the Tories have run the local social services brilliantly while cutting services.
PM: Excellent

Glindon (Lab): Don’t freeze the minimum wage this year.
PM: er… we support the idea of the minimum wage.

Baldry: Look at Somaliland & think of the children
PM: Somaliland is great, we’ll fight the Somali pirates to protect our profits

Field: We need a debate on English devolution.
MP: We benefitted from England exploiting Ireland, Scotland and Wales. May it continue

Blenkinsop: Leveson inquiry is having a chilling effect on freedom of speech? Do you agree?
PM: We want a free press, owned by as few media barons as possible.

Bray: EU accounts are in a terrible state. No auditors signed it off.
PM: We are right to make a stand on auditing

SNP MP: You are all bastards. We want more powers.
PM: Do you want devolution or separation you coward!

Huppert: Cycling is dangerous. Do more to support The Times campaign.
PM: I love the Times, its owned by Murdoch you know.

MacTaggart: A4e is profitting from tax-sponsored exploitation and criminal activity.
PM: This started under Labour.

Patel (Con): Young people want slave labour not real jobs.
PM: Yes slave labour, I mean work experience is great. They want it.

Jones (Lab): Why you shutting out Labour MPs from discussing war industry jobs?
PM: I solely want to fly the flag for British

Bone: Deport Abu Qatada, don’t listen to Nick Clegg. Fuck Clegg.
PM: We are try to get the Jordanians to accept him.

Dromey: Private rents are increasing. Stop profitting landlords, build more homes.
PM: Errr. public housing dropped to record levels under you lot.

MP: Kick racism out of football.
PM: We lead the world in this.It matters to my popularity to look anti-racist.

J McGovern: The MOD refuses to answer my questions on army closures. Disgrace.
PM: I respect the army.. honest.

Johnson: The US-UK extradition is a joke. We need to reform it.
PM: We don’t want to upset the US but we will tinker it.

Bailey: Self-regulation in the alcohol industry isn’t working.
PM: I love Britain’s pubs.

Crockart: New revolution in Green industry, Edinburgh
PM: Could be anywhere.

MP: Why did you break your promise on the NHS?
PM: We are creating a new bureaucracy to replace the state one!

Baldwin (Con): Poor kids aren’t growing due to lack of food.
PM: You are right, NGOs do great work to maintain dependency on our aid.