This week, Ed Miliband stops on NHS reforms though thousands outside parliament prepare for a day of protests. Low blows and no answers for the British economic malaise. Here is the Prime Minister’s Questions translated for your reading pleasure:
Nick Boles: We need to exit Afghanistan without looking like we’re saying it’s fucked, though it is.
PM: I will agree this with Obama.
Ed M: We want an Afghanistan that is subservient to the West.
PM: We are training the Afghan army to bomb themselves without our help.
Ed M: We agree that we need backroom deal with the Taliban.
PM: We all need to get behind the government that’s legalised marital rape.
Lopresti: Stay in Afghanistan until our interests are protected.
PM: We have a timetable on for armed troops, not all soldiers.
Sharma (Lab): The economic plan is piecemeal and shit don’t you agree?
PM: No we’re cutting tax for foreign exploiters.
Hart: The NHS in Wales is shit, you can’t trust Labour with the NHS!
PM: Yup, they are cutting services. Terrible.
Ruddock: You are proud of taking benefits from children with celebral palsy
PM: Bitch, I’m cutting for some children. I had a kid like that you know!
Zahawi: Black mamba is the latest legal high. Let’s ban it.
PM: We will be monitoring these latest drugs. I’ll get on it.
Ed M: Your cuts are preventing making work pay. What are you doing?
PM: Look work longer and you’ll be better off.
Ed M: There is no more work, his wife has a job raising their children.
PM: We say all parents must work, this is the economic recovery.
Ed M: You said you wouldn’t mean-tested child benefit. Fucking liar.
PM: I’m being brave by cutting benefits for the rich.
Ed M: A simple word: Broken promise.
*people shout two*
Ed M: You are right two broken promises.
PM: We must have credibility in the markets.
Pritchard: Will there be a ban on wild animals in circus in this parliament?
Blomfield: There is too much debt, people are looking to payday loans.
PM: We care only about deficit. Go to Citizen Advice Bureau not us.
Carswell: You are doing great radical changes to privatise Britain but why are you not doing more?
PM: Because of the bloody liberals.
Harris: My constituent is being harassed by dodgy cops. Justice delayed is justice denied.
PM: We’ll get on to it.
Scott: I’ve got local charities getting young people with special needs into employment. Cheer them on.
PM: Great stuff.
Hodgson: that Nadine Dorries in the FT.
PM: Yeah she chats shit but Nissan are bring 400 jobs to your patch.
Colvile: Domestic violence is a serious problem, well done for Claire’s law.
PM: We are doing all we can on this.
Donohoe: When you coming to my patch
Donohoe: Keep your promise
PM: Let’s share a platform against SNP
Mensch: £26 million money wasted by Labour Council. Disgrace
PM: Yup they should privatise services then they can avoid FOI transparency
Cryer: EU treaty is planning to kick in 5 years time
PM: We will block it.
Adams (Con): We need rights for missing people and presumption of death.
PM: I’ll consider this issue and write back to you.
Gilmore: Take action on couples on minimum wage who will lose £3,000 in April.
Farron: Don’t cut cancer services in my local hospital. Come and help.
PM: You can chat with Lansley about it.
Roy: Fucking Indian are taking away RBS jobs! Do something
PM: We will get that money back by leaving them to exploit in their own way.
Hopkins: I support the troops in shooting foreigners but let’s bring them back in 2015.
PM: We’ve given more bungs so they can’t complain.
Stuart: The police are being privatised, ridiculous.
PM: Nothing wrong with that.
Jenkin: The Pru are leaving London, block the EU bill!
PM: We can’t let this happen, Boris backs Finance Capital.
As heard by @justinthelibsoc
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