This week, Ed Miliband stops on NHS reforms though thousands outside parliament prepare for a day of protests. Low blows and no answers for the British economic malaise. Here is the Prime Minister’s Questions translated for your reading pleasure:

Nick Boles: We need to exit Afghanistan without looking like we’re saying it’s fucked, though it is.
PM: I will agree this with Obama.

Ed M: We want an Afghanistan that is subservient to the West.
PM: We are training the Afghan army to bomb themselves without our help.

Ed M: We agree that we need backroom deal with the Taliban.
PM: We all need to get behind the government that’s legalised marital rape.

Lopresti: Stay in Afghanistan until our interests are protected.
PM: We have a timetable on for armed troops, not all soldiers.

Sharma (Lab): The economic plan is piecemeal and shit don’t you agree?
PM: No we’re cutting tax for foreign exploiters.

Hart: The NHS in Wales is shit, you can’t trust Labour with the NHS!
PM: Yup, they are cutting services. Terrible.

Ruddock: You are proud of taking benefits from children with celebral palsy
PM: Bitch, I’m cutting for some children. I had a kid like that you know!

Zahawi: Black mamba is the latest legal high. Let’s ban it.
PM: We will be monitoring these latest drugs. I’ll get on it.

Ed M: Your cuts are preventing making work pay. What are you doing?
PM: Look work longer and you’ll be better off.

Ed M: There is no more work, his wife has a job raising their children.
PM: We say all parents must work, this is the economic recovery.

Ed M: You said you wouldn’t mean-tested child benefit. Fucking liar.
PM: I’m being brave by cutting benefits for the rich.

Ed M: A simple word: Broken promise.
*people shout two*
Ed M: You are right two broken promises.
PM: We must have credibility in the markets.

Pritchard: Will there be a ban on wild animals in circus in this parliament?
PM: Yes

Blomfield: There is too much debt, people are looking to payday loans.
PM: We care only about deficit. Go to Citizen Advice Bureau not us.

Carswell: You are doing great radical changes to privatise Britain but why are you not doing more?
PM: Because of the bloody liberals.

Harris: My constituent is being harassed by dodgy cops. Justice delayed is justice denied.
PM: We’ll get on to it.

Scott: I’ve got local charities getting young people with special needs into employment. Cheer them on.
PM: Great stuff.

Hodgson: that Nadine Dorries in the FT.
PM: Yeah she chats shit but Nissan are bring 400 jobs to your patch.

Colvile: Domestic violence is a serious problem, well done for Claire’s law.
PM: We are doing all we can on this.

Donohoe: When you coming to my patch
PM: Soon.
Donohoe: Keep your promise
PM: Let’s share a platform against SNP

Mensch: £26 million money wasted by Labour Council. Disgrace
PM: Yup they should privatise services then they can avoid FOI transparency

Cryer: EU treaty is planning to kick in 5 years time
PM: We will block it.

Adams (Con): We need rights for missing people and presumption of death.
PM: I’ll consider this issue and write back to you.

Gilmore: Take action on couples on minimum wage who will lose £3,000 in April.
PM: No.

Farron: Don’t cut cancer services in my local hospital. Come and help.
PM: You can chat with Lansley about it.

Roy: Fucking Indian are taking away RBS jobs! Do something
PM: We will get that money back by leaving them to exploit in their own way.

Hopkins: I support the troops in shooting foreigners but let’s bring them back in 2015.
PM: We’ve given more bungs so they can’t complain.

Stuart: The police are being privatised, ridiculous.
PM: Nothing wrong with that.

Jenkin: The Pru are leaving London, block the EU bill!
PM: We can’t let this happen, Boris backs Finance Capital.

As heard by @justinthelibsoc