Prime Minister’s Questions this week takes place while Rupert Murdoch gives testimony at the Leveson Inquiry and also the news that the UK is back in recession. This is our take on what happened:

Henderson (Con): After Afghanistan exit are we leaving trainers on how to pull fingernails?
PM: It is paramount that the Afghans learn this

Ed M: I love the army. Double Dip recession, terrible…for you! Blame it on boogie?
PM: It’s your fault, we need more privatisation.

Ed M: You created this recession. Own this shitbag you created.
PM: None of my business mates think it was my fault. So must be yours.

Ed M: Arrogant fucks. Hasn’t Hunt resigned yet?
PM: Err..Stick to the economy! Leveson says wait for his judgment.

Ed M: Leveson doesn’t run your government. Dump Hunt he’s bent.
PM: But you love this inquiry, shut up & stop being a media whore.

Ed M: Pathetic. Hunt lied to the Commons! Sack the shit.
PM: I believe Hunt is an excellent human shield. He is great.

Ed M: Your government is sprayed in sleazy mucus.
PM: I know there is corruption but it has been going on for ages.

McCartney (Con): My patch has got an economic recovery! Come and see yourself! May I remove my nose from your backside?
PM: You may.

Qureshi (Lab): Is your economic policy a load of bollocks?
PM: Look at the size of the recession Labour caused. Its clear its your fault.

Birtwhistle (LD): We need more apprenticeships, will you keep it up?
PM: Yup

Mahmood: You said cutting expenditure in a recession
PM: We cut deficits by cutting economic activity

Lefroy (Con): Malaria is a serious problem. The children of the world thank you.
PM: I’m proud that they can do that.

Lab MP: So out of the danger zone are we?
PM: Look be grateful that we are not Greece. Look low interest rates!

Whittaker (Con): Rich schools are happy they are getting government cash.
PM: We are looking after our own.

McKenzie: Nadine Dorries was right about you wasn’t she?
PM: I agree with her.

Jones: A business in my patch is doing well? What recession?
PM: That’s the spirit!

Simpson (DUP): Help the drivers in my patch, cut fuel taxes!
PM: Thanks to union bureaucrats, strikes have been delayed.

Amess (Con): My mum is turning 100. She loves the Olympics.
PM: Brilliant, she’ll be faster than bolt so I can repeat an old gag.

Scot MP: Salmond was a lobbyist for Rupert Murdoch, wasn’t he a scumbag?
PM: Come off it, we’ve all kneeled before his organ.

Griffiths: Too many council are paying staff over £100K
PM: Yup some Labour Council is still refusing to show their figures.

Blackman (Con): Ken is an artful tax dodger.
PM: Ken needs to show all the businesses tax receipts. Sugar was right about Ken.

Cunningham: Drop regional pay programmes and improve our schools.
PM: Glad you support the money I’m putting in schools.

Lloyd (LD): The rich only want to give money to dodge tax, aren’t they all fuckers?
PM: We want to encourage the rich.

Lab MP: Sack the Cunt!
PM: Look, forget that I’m privatising the welfare state to make Britain better.

Hammond (Con): We’re in a debt crisis, we can’t spend more money!
PM: We are being cheerled on by the rich, we’re doing the right thing!

Winnick: Same old Tories. Destroying our economy. Always in sleaze.
PM: Russell Brand was right to call you a shit.

As heard by @justinthelibsoc