This is an interpretation based on what was said during Prime Minister’s Questions.

Smith (Con):  The old system is shit let’s fix it for Milly
PM: Absolutely, I think we should agree to do as little as possible.

Ed M: The Work Programme isn’t working is it?
PM: We are kicking people off benefits, not getting them jobs. It’s working.

Ed M: 2 out of 100 got a job with it! People are better off without your help!
PM: The bosses union are happy with it so fuck off.

Ed M: Long term unemployment up by 96% Isn’t that right?
PM: Well we’ve got more people in workfare, more self-employed people doing nothing.

Ed M: DWP even says Labour’s Future Jobs Fund is better than workfare!
PM: Our system achieves the same amount of yoof jobs cheaper

Ed M: You are all squabbling over Welfare FAIL.
PM: You want more welfare reform without voting for it! Something for nothing Party.

Ed M: The Tories are shit, we are less so. That’s what we are offering Britain.
PM: We’re delivering what the bosses want.

Stewart (Con): Red Bull Formula One is great, they are in my patch you know.
PM: It is great, Britain is great at niche manufacturing.

Ashworth: You said Future Jobs Fund wasn’t working DWP says it was!
PM: It was more expensive than my scheme and private sector

Gillan: Stop HS2 as the compensation isn’t high enough for my patch.
PM: Well, I’ll check the bribes to landowners is generous enough.

Stuart: Why is my area getting less Bobbies and plush Tory patches like Surrey getting more?
PM: The Police in Brum Town can cope.

Williams (LD): We are allowing wild animals to be exploited.
PM: The exploitation of animals (unlike the unemployed) is unacceptable.

Dodds (DUP): Intervening on Alcohol prices, let’s intervene on petrol prices
PM: We are already doing that, government subsidy is a sure way of getting votes.

Stride: Floods in my patch are terrible, let’s get cheap premiums.
PM: Yup absolutely, when the market fails, the state picks up the tab.

Ruane: If you’re genuine about deaths due to floods, stop 30% cuts to flood defences.
PM: No as I’m sure the private sector will sort it

Nokes: Email scams are terrible and costing us lots.
PM: Yeah, the police should do more.

McClymont (Lab): 96% increase to long-term unemployment
PM: 200,000 people back in work, we’re doing well

Fox (Con): We need to protect Murdoch from the state! Democratise Libel!
PM: Hmm we’re cutting legal aid. Murdoch might need me more than he thinks.

Freeman: Love Movember campaign, we’re great on the NHS
PM: Yup, we love charity and we’re putting money into drug fund

Lucas: You said Last Chance Saloon has gone. Will you keep your word?
PM: Yup, we owe them that. Let’s see what Leveson says.

Berry (Con): Families are earning avg £25K, shouldn’t we screw benefit scroungers?
PM: Only when they haven’t got second homes

Meacher (Con): You are supporting tax dodging scum!
PM: Wrong, we’re creating unenforcable rules on tax dodging, Labour didn’t even do that!

Mulholland: In my patch, we’re taking the Olympics forward.
PM: Let’s remember those who run the local cricket clubs.

Corbyn: Peace & Justice for Palestinian people. Let’s recognise them in full.
PM: But we must attach conditions or the US will get mad

Vara (Con): Let me waffle about Idi Amin kicking my mum out.
PM: Proof of integrated foreigners in Britain, let’s hope you get another bite

Doyle: You’re giving tax breaks to millionaires. Bastard.
PM: Still got tax them more than your lot did last time round.

Halfon (Con): Comet workers are losing jobs in a shameful way. Do something
PM: I’m sure Vince Cable is on it.

Harris (Lab): We have a boom in the tax avoidance industry. What are you doing?
PM: More than Labour ever did.

Davies (Con): State regulation is like pregnancy, there is no in-between
PM: We need a free press but I might have to upset Murdoch

McDonnell: Isn’t it wrong to cutting benefits on disabled children.
PM: We are cutting benefits on rich children and boosting it for poor.