Disclaimer: This is satire but otherwise an accurate record of Prime Minister Questions in under 140 characters per exchange.
Lewis: How will you punish Afghanistan if they end up helping Al Qaeda?
PM: We with the US installed & will support the puppet govt
Malhotra (Lab): Not many nurses in my hospital
PM: Number of all staff has gone up (I think) despite hospital closures.
Bray: No new laws, this is what Leveson meant by statutory underpinning
PM: Editors have no more chances until they fuck up again
Ed M: We love the monarchy. You promised health spending will increase, LIAR.
PM: ONS shows that money has gone up (excl inflation)
Ed M: You utter slimeball. You’ve failed! Even UK Stats authority says you are lying.
PM: Hypocrite! Labour cuts hospitals in Wales!
Ed M: You promised to increase it year on year, you failed admit it.
PM: Labour want to cut the NHS, you can’t trust them (or me).
Ed M: How big is the tax break that you are giving your chums?
PM: They sadly are still going to be paying more now the last Labour government
Ed M: £107k is the pay off & deficit FAIL!
PM: Due to 50% rate, millionaires dodged it in 2010 by pushing dividends to 2009
Ed M: You’ve cut the NHS and not the deficit
PM: We’re privatising the public sector & we’re borrowing more than Labour ever did.
Bacon (Con): Make Roche give the reports on Tamiflu as they might be fiddling us all.
PM: Excellent work, let’s ensure we get all the info we need.
Roy (Lab): Stop the cuts to UKBA, as they’re not harassing enough foreigners.
PM: Immigration is down dramatically, so we can harass migrants on the cheap.
Dinenage (Con): We need jobs in making ships of war protected.
PM: We have created an exploitation zone in your patch, so enjoy!
Beckett: No increase in child poverty you promised in 2010, you sure about that?
PM: Erm… we’re doing our best.
Burstow (LD): Use corporate neglect laws on poor treatment of vulnerable elderly
PM: The private sector should hand themselves in to the police.
Shannon (DUP): Price of electricity is ridiculous what you doing about it?
PM: We will be tweaking the market to make it easier for businesses
Laing (Con): End discrimination of princesses. It is appalling in a democracy.
PM: Very important stuff, we will abolish sexism in the monarchy.
Hodge: As a small-time tax dodger, I’m sure naming and shaming works. Do it!
PM: While we cut HMRC staff, we’ll do all we can to use morality not the law.
Buckland: Get problem families off benefits!
PM: This troubles me deeply so I’ll leave it to charities.
Gilmore (Lab): Pension tax relief helped the richest pensioners
PM: Osborne will cover that later
Smith (LD): North Sea oil delivers jobs, let’s protect it
PM: Let’s keep drilling baby before the Scottish try to claim it.
Dakin (Lab): Hospitals full to bursting, thanks to your promises!
PM: That’s what Labour is doing worse in Wales! Will you condemn that?
Jenkin (Con): Essex is building new schools, thank you for supporting special schools.
PM: I’m proud that we can use this as a fig-leaf over disability cuts
Bailey (Lab): My local uni is being cut because of your new funding formula
PM: We don’t want to see a reduction of student numbers that’s why we put fees up!
Glen: Why are children hospices funded differently to adult ones?
PM: My son used one you know. We want to marketise the funding. It’s the big society
Sarwar (Lab): Amazon dodged tax and SNP gave them money! You are both bastards.
PM: I want them paying tax, that’s why I lowered corporation tax.
Coffey (Con): Keep investing in skills training, that’s how people will get jobs.
PM: Absolutely, British jobs for British apprenticeships.
Llwyd (PC): Your minister said new homes on greenfield sites & make sure we get a new PCC!
PM: Look, he is right. Let’s follow Leveson by ignoring him
Newmark (Con): We have more people in work than ever before. Rejoice!
PM: Exactly, workfare is getting the job done!
Clwyd (Lab): Nurses are treating patients like my husband like battery chickens. It’s horrific.
PM: I love nurses. I think we must test nurses more to check that they are angels.
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