As heard by @justinthelibsoc

Cunningham (Lab): Patients are waiting in ambulances cos of your shitty reforms!
PM: Jiggery-pokery with NHS money can’t be traced

Stuart (Con): Labour won’t have an EU referendum ! Bloody scaredy cats!
PM: Ha! We are THE democratic party who is scared of UKIP

Ed M: Let’s help the poor mites in Syria. *Sad Face*
PM: Glad you love the G8 too. Let’s arm the rebels.

Ed M: How are you going make safeguards work in a civil war?
PM: We’re technically aiding the rebels with SAS & MI6 intelligence

Ed M: You don’t want peace! Are you supplying weapons?
PM: We all love peace. But it will only come through a barrel of a gun

Harvey (LD): Let’s bring Gurkhas into the reserve Army!
PM: Top idea! Let’s cheaply recycle retired & homeless regular soldiers

McGovern (Lab): Did you watch Blacklisting Panorama special? We need a Leveson!
PM: No missed it. Unlike Labour we’ve acted on it

Lee (Con): Hardworking people love us for cutting their benefits!
PM: Funny that Labour wants to cap pensions! What idiots.

Ed M: People are getting poorer in this country. Ideas why?
PM: We are proudly kicking people off benefits with sanctions & #workfare

Ed M: Slimy fucker, you are making people worse off! Wages have dropped a lot
PM: This trend started in 2008. So do one, shitbag.

Ed M: Your own MPs think they are worse off under your government.
PM: Stop criticising our economy, you will scare the markets.

Pritchard (Con): Network Rail is stopping Branson from making profit in my patch!
PM: HS2 will give him some options.

Malhotra (Lab): Will taxpayers be subsidising second homes or holiday homes?
PM: No.

Graham (Con): We’ve boosted pensions but Labour want to wreck it.
PM: Labour want the scrounger vote & we target the grey vote

Crausby (Lab): Bolton Wanderers told QuickQuid to fuck off. Will you?
PM: Let’s have more credit unions, you know I love big society.

Huppert (LD): I love carers, will the PM say he loves them too?
PM: Yes I do. That’s the big society, welfare on the cheap

Jones (Lab): Pay for head-teachers have risen by 17% last year, can you explain?
PM: Err… we have protected money into schools?

MacLeod (Con): Employment is growing! Britain is in recovery!
PM: #Workfare works. And Ed Balls is a dick.

Ruane (Lab): The govt has fucked my constituents by not sorting flood insurance.
PM: Still talking, must wait for negotiations to end

Brooke (LD): We have a lava lamp maker in my patch suffering from German regulation.
PM: We need to boost exports so I’m on it

Sharma (Lab): You are closing my local A&E. Please come on & don’t do it.
PM: The NHS is safe in my hands, we put more money into it.

Harrington (Con): Let’s shag the Chinese-British council. We’re exporting to China!
PM: Wow and getting Chinese exploitation here too!

Dowd (Lab): Why does Google exec have better access to you than your creative ministers?
PM: I love the creative industries.

Murray (Con): Localism means the NIMBYs win!
PM: Yes we’ve shored up our vote in rural patches. We won’t subsidise solar power

Kendall (Lab): Quality of care is essential in children hospitals, don’t close mine.
PM: We must re-organise the NHS.

Bellingham (Con): We are producing more cars with less workers! Great Britain!
PM: Excellent, Britain is open for exploitation.

McKinnell (Lab): 60% of households in my patch begging money due to Bedroom Tax
PM: Now up to market forces. Labour won’t reverse it

McCartney (Con): Tax avoidance is something Tories care about.
PM: Labour are helping their donors dodge tax!

Abrahams (Lab): Spend more money on Carers! Labour will do so in 2015
PM: Cough up the money you’ve been avoiding in tax first

Bruce (LD): We need to Scottish Oil, let’s keep the workers safe.
PM: I love Scottish Oil. Yeah safety first.