As heard by @justinthelibsoc

Henderson (Con): My patch chuffed with low mortgage rates. Won’t Labour fuck it up?
PM: We screw over tenants & claimants to protect Tories

Ed M: How is the school building programme going?
PM: We are building more things than Labour did!

Ed M: Only one project has started from the 200+ promised
PM: It is Labour’s fault. Labour fucked up the economy, you know.

Ed M: How many infrastructure projects has been completed?
PM: We are spending more than Labour ever did! Takes ages to build!

Ed M: Labour built & rebuilt lots of shiny hospitals and schools.
PM: Labour built it all on the shitty PFI mountain of debt.

Ed M: How is that Newbuy scheme going?
PM: House building is up & more young families in debt. Borrowing will go up with Labour

Ed M: You are failing to build, and failing to lead this country!
PM: We have more students in debt & more foreigners kicked out

Chishti (Con): Labour isn’t really an austerity party like us. They want to borrow more!
PM: Yup. New Balls please!

Winnick (Lab): Will Theresa May apologise on behalf of police to Doreen Lawrence?
PM: We can do more if more shit hits the fan.

Ellison (Con): US Embassy is bringing investment to my patch. Others should learn!
PM: Absolutely on this government could do that!

Mann (Lab): There has been no local investment in my patch. GET SPENDING YOU DICK!
PM: Labour wrote cheques but they’ve bounced mate.

Gummer (Con): We were promised lots by Labour but only the Tories deliver new schools!
PM: Yup, we love schools.

Campbell (DUP): Northern Ireland is open for exploitation! Bring the yanks money here!
PM: #G8 was a great advert for Northern Ireland

Smith (LD): Will women in Afghanistan be safe from the Taliban when we leave?
PM: There is an Afghan document that will protect them.

Cryer (Lab): Have you been talking to Lynton Crosby about cigarettes packaging?
PM: Never lobbied me, unlike the filthy trade unions!

Berry (Con): It is Armed Forces Day in my patch, let’s support our soldiers by sending them stuff!
PM: Excellent. This government really loves the army.

Bain (Lab): Balanced the books by 2015? What happened eh?
PM: Fuck off, you would have done even worse than us!

Leslie (Con): Under Labour. the NHS covered up baby deaths! Fucking scum bags!
PM: Indeed. This is the legacy of Labour’s NHS. We will abolish it.

Gardiner (Lab): Borrowing is going up under this government. Why asking us for more money?
PM: It is Labour’s fault.

Swales (LD): Why no free school meals for further education students?
PM: Err.. I’ll look at it but money has run out.

Sheerman (Lab): Luckily the labour market was good to us. Let’s end youth unemployment
PM: We need to weaken trade union rights further to improve it.

Blunt (Con): I can’t believe we can still build on greenfield sites!
PM: The rules haven’t changed, we will protect them. We have a green tree as our symbol

Stringer (Lab): High Speed Two won’t get money from Europe. Ridiculous
PM: We will get enough from private sector

Kawczynski (Con): We need a direct train to London! Sort it out mate.
PM: High Speed Rail will fix it for you bruv.

Munn (Lab): the MOD wants to move Territorial Army out of Sheffield. What’s your problem?
PM: I love Sheffield, so shut up.

Russell (LD): Labour cut army bands! We need music while we boo
PM: We won’t make any more cuts… honest.

Pound (Lab): Inquiry into cash for access? When will we see the results?
PM: It is coming. But tell Labour to pay their taxes!

Mosley (Con): Kids are getting fat. Let’s celebrate National school meals week.
PM: Indeed, all part of the Big Society, very important.

Efford (Lab): Police should not investigate the police! Public inquiry now!
PM: We might do.

Spencer (Con): HMRC needs to clamp down on Labour dodging taxes!
PM: I love that Labour owes £700,000 of tax. Pay up hypocrites!

McKechin (Lab): Let’s force companies to build and stop land banking.
PM: We are making it easier for young people to borrow lots of money.

Baron (Con): Cancer drugs fund is an excellent initiative
PM: Yes we want to make this our legacy.

Gilmore (Lab): Only 23 one-bedroom homes were available. The #BedroomTax doesn’t work!
PM: We want poverty equal between social tenants and private tenants.