As heard by @JustinTheLibSoc

Brine (Con): Crack cocaine addict at the Co-op! WTF?
PM: There will be no bailing out for coke-heads! Hurr-hurr

Ed M: Have you saved the Chipping Norton Children Centre?
PM: I’ve only cut 1% of all children centres across the country

Ed M: You signed a petition to save it. If only you could do something
PM: Too many users. We’ve put more money for less centres

Ed M: Tory Essex are closing 11 centres & reducing opening hours. Explain that?
PM: Parents got few more crumbs from this govt!

Ed M: You are sleeping w/ tax exiles & avoiders! Your party is dodgy as fuck
PM: At least they weren’t smoking crack

Ed M: Your MP said Tories support their mates in private equity.
PM: Your aide said Balls is a nightmare! Fucking told you so

Ed M: Isn’t Boles saying you are an out of touch & failing shitbag?
PM: You’re in the pocket of a corrupt bank so jog on dick.

Doyle-Price (Con): Unite is full of bullying gits. Don’t let them destroy business!
PM: Need a review into Trade Union practices

Dodds (DUP): NO FUCKING AMNESTY FOR TERRORIST SCUM! Kill the IRA
PM: I don’t think we’ll having an amnesty. Calm down mate.

Baldry (Con): Can we have women bishops in the House of Lords now?
PM: Bloody love women bishops! We’ll chat with C of E on this #PMQs

Clark (Lab): One of your MPs wants to put VAT on children’s clothes and food! Isn’t Kwasi Kwarteng a dickhead?
PM: Yes, he is.

Sanders (LD): I’ve joined a Credit Union, they’re great. Let’s give them a state subsidy
PM: We’ve already given them £38 million

Cunningham (Lab): Closing SureStart means the government is not thinking about “needy children”
PM: We could always close more

Burrowes (Con): You’re closing my hospital but tell my oiks that it is good news.
PM: We’re pouring more money into private hands

Turner (Lab): My patch is not a crap town but a city of culture! Praise HULL!
PM: Wilberforce was born there, a great place.

MacLeod (Con): Got more new exploiters & tax dodgers in my patch. Reduce business rates!
PM: Let’s enjoy small business saturday

Champion (Lab): Isn’t Boles right that the Tories aren’t that popular?
PM: Nah, check twitter. @Tony_McNulty says Ed M is shit.

Offord (Con): I went to Israel, they told me that Iran are all wankers. Visit Israel.
PM: I may go next year & see Palestine too.

Hain (Lab): No amnesty for Irish terrorists but have a commission instead?
PM: There is a review going on, let’s wait for it #PMQs #MTB

Ruffley (Con): Local exploiters don’t like a new road toll being proposed.
PM: If it costs seats & donations then we won’t do it.

Harris (Lab): Employment rights don’t give British parents time to grieve. Sort it out.
PM: Very good point, I’ll look into it.

Lewis (Con): Will we renew Trident in the future?
PM: When there is a Tory only government, so maybe not.

Meacher (Lab): UK 159th lowest in the world in business investment according to the Economist!
PM: Are you on fucking crack mate?

O’Brien (Con): If we followed Labour, what would the price of fuel now?
PM: Good point, it would be a nightmare! Unlike gas prices.

Esterson (Lab): I think you’ve closed 500+ centres? How are you protecting SureStart
PM: Bullshit figures anyways, 3000 are open.

Parish (Con): Rich boys club says Britain things are looking up. The Cuts work!
PM: Yes OECD says growth in Britain is going up

Pearce (Lab): My local authority paid the outgoing CEO over £300k, isn’t it a disgrace?
PM: Terrible.

Arbuthnot (Con): Shouldn’t Labour accept the plan for the reserves?
PM: Absolutely.

Glindon (Lab): Why did you want to delete your pledges from the Tory website?
PM: I said no cuts to the NHS. @ONS says otherwise

Meacher: Mr Speaker, can the PM say “I’m on crack”?
PM: Soz for offence, but it was BANTER MATE, BANTER #LAD!